8.24.09 I know heart break

I think everyone does to some degree. Maybe some more than others, but everyone has felt their stomach drop out as the sadness creeps in. It's very personal. The gravity of the issue dependent on so many factors, but to that person, in that moment, in their world it is everything. I also think everyone reacts differently. Some internalize everything, some vent it out. Some bounce back, some may never recover.

Me...I get busy. Well, not quite- I actually cry about 2 days straight THEN I get busy.

When my greatest fears and suspicions were actualized and the truth behind the lies revealed, I cried. Then I got organized. I found a new home, I sorted out "my things", I packed...and ordered others to pack. Then I dove back into work.

When I didn't get into a certain teaching program, I wallowed in self-pity, hidden by a curtain of happiness for my best friend who did get in. I cried and cried and dreaded the day my soul sister was going to leave me and start her grand new adventure. The feeling of stagnancy was overwhelming. I needed to move forward...I needed to get organized. So I rearranged my schedule, laid out my budget, looked for new options and then I dove back into work. See the trend?

But there is another, less apparent common thread. Somewhere in the chaos of my organization I am also processing. With the processing comes the healing, then the day comes when I remember I am lucky. I have so many ears to listen...so many people who care. I didn't lose a sister, she is exploring the world. She is still present in my life- just a little further away.

More importantly I have a sister here...my real sister. She was the one who flew to Florida to spend the holidays with me when I was too broke and too burned to fly home. She was the one who listened and then promised me that everything happens for a reason after my grand plan to go international didn't work out. She is the one person who knows me in and out and as different as we can be, she is the only person who is just like me...from the same place, been through the same struggles. She's the one I called when I was having a bad day in college and still who I call when I'm feeling like nothing has changed and I'm still broke. But now I'm broke and happy.

Sometimes it just takes a good swift kick in the ass and drop in the stomach to realize that right where you are is the best place for you in this moment. Work hard, better yourself, but remember...everything happens for a reason.

8.21.09 Warning: All thoughts are fleeting

One of the problems with making some sort of grand statement to the universe is it involves commitment. I like commitment...for some things. Commitment with thoughts can be dangerous.

Commitment ≠ Conviction

Just materializing your thoughts somehow makes them more real. More tangible. Those closest to me know that I can be very straight forward. I often say what's on my mind, but once those words come out they can cause damage. No one can see the words floating around in my mind, but here they have weight on "paper"...now people can see them, read them, feel them.

I am sorry...in advance...just in case.

Hopefully as you read, you can remember that all thoughts are part of a process. My thoughts are no exception. Evolving and progressing. I plan to keep an open mind despite the finite appearance of my "published" words. I want to read your comments, hear your side, welcome your debate. And you? You can read my blog...with a grain of salt on hand.

8.28.09 Joke's on me

I thought I was sly...getting a head start on said challenge. As fate would have it, while I was busy pecking away at the keyboard my subject disappeared. timing. I think one of my roommates may have knocked him down. Him and the product of his dilligent work. sabotage.

Instead I will share some old pictures. Spider webs included.

8.27.09 I accept your challenge

you just don’t know it yet.

I think a photo a day is an excellent way to get the creative juices flowing. I may not be comfortable as the subject of the photo, but I plan on being comfortable as the captor. I like this side of the lens.

I have already plotted my next subject…the spider on the porch. He doesn’t have time to practice his poses either, but he’s a natural. He doesn’t need practice.

Someday, I’ll tell you that you are in on this challenge too. For now I’ll just laugh at predictably sad attempt to light a spider web.

8.27.09 A kiddie pool

My client decided she was overheated and her solution was going to be relaxation. She planned on leaving the studio, going home to fill up the kiddie pool (originally purchased for her pug) then lie on her back with arms and legs flopped to the sides and a beer in one hand. In her own words,

“Deal with it neighbors. I’m relaxing.”

Girl-I like your style. May we all go find some peace and quiet. Neighbor approved or not.

8.26.09 My mom was a model

She is beautiful now and always will be. That beauty is unsurpassable and goes much deeper than the surface. I think that is why I love her pictures so much. I always have. I could look at them for hours as a kid and admire the way a camera was able to capture this soul that I love so deeply. She is striking. That is a conservative word for attractive in a fiery and unique kind of way. The pictures are “vintage” now. Funky and different. They have that cool Polaroid-style haze that coats all old photographs and it makes me wonder what developments will happen in the next 20 years. Will our pictures ever look that cool?

I never have been comfortable as the subject. Despite my appreciation for captured beauty, I do not have many photos of myself that I value in the same way. I am not lacking confidence in real life, I am just unaware. I do not know what my facial expressions look like. I have never sat in front of a mirror and practiced my perfect pout. I know I have one somewhere (after all I did get my mamas mouth), but I can’t make it appear upon command. One time I actually got in a fight with my poor boyfriend because he knows how to pose for pictures and I don’t. It makes me self-conscious, like I missed some very important step in adolescence, where you discover how to make yourself look cool in front of the camera. Now granted he poses a LOT, and I was feeling a little insecure that day and I may have been under the influence of alcohol…but that’s not the point. Should I have practiced my funny face a little more as a kid?

I would still like to have a couple good pictures. I took one that I love. Funny thing is I love this glamour shot because it reminds me of all the emotions I had flowing through me at the time. I was traveling to Yosemite with a dear friend…happy, laughing, and excited...making fun of photographers who take serious pictures of themselves in the mirror with their camera. A joke...that’s why it turned out well. Maybe instead of practicing my poses, I’ll just keep focusing on putting myself in the right situations, in the right places, and with the right people.

Have you lost weight? (an old journal entry)

Maybe. Why do you deserve to know?

It is a proven fact that I am “seasonally skinny”. I am sure that when the relentless Portland rains starts drizzling down, I will slowly pack on the 5 pounds I gain almost every winter. I try and try and try to find inspiration for some indoor high-intensity exercise, but I constantly fight my cravings for hearty, warm foods and without a doubt give in to baking. I blame my mom. Snow storms meant fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and other sweet smells sneaking out from the crack in the oven door. Florida did not provide snow but somehow a substitution took place: in my brain “snow” soon melted to the general category of “any bad weather”.

BUT have no fear…soon after I reach that 5 pounds, the spring time flowers resurface and so does my love of the outdoors (which, for the record, I also accredit to my mom). I get active, I get moving and I eat a lot of berries instead of cookies, cake and brownies...with the occasional exceptions, of course.

So now it is summer and I apparently look a little more slim and trim. I do not care. I do not weigh myself so I do not actually know if I have lost weight. Yet this question persists. Why?

But alas, I have found a trend! The people who feel it is necessary to comment about my physical appearance are themselves insecure. And that’s the problem. They do care.

My friends know better. They ask valid and important questions...

"How was your race?"

"How are the berries this year?"

"How are you?"