8.26.09 My mom was a model

She is beautiful now and always will be. That beauty is unsurpassable and goes much deeper than the surface. I think that is why I love her pictures so much. I always have. I could look at them for hours as a kid and admire the way a camera was able to capture this soul that I love so deeply. She is striking. That is a conservative word for attractive in a fiery and unique kind of way. The pictures are “vintage” now. Funky and different. They have that cool Polaroid-style haze that coats all old photographs and it makes me wonder what developments will happen in the next 20 years. Will our pictures ever look that cool?

I never have been comfortable as the subject. Despite my appreciation for captured beauty, I do not have many photos of myself that I value in the same way. I am not lacking confidence in real life, I am just unaware. I do not know what my facial expressions look like. I have never sat in front of a mirror and practiced my perfect pout. I know I have one somewhere (after all I did get my mamas mouth), but I can’t make it appear upon command. One time I actually got in a fight with my poor boyfriend because he knows how to pose for pictures and I don’t. It makes me self-conscious, like I missed some very important step in adolescence, where you discover how to make yourself look cool in front of the camera. Now granted he poses a LOT, and I was feeling a little insecure that day and I may have been under the influence of alcohol…but that’s not the point. Should I have practiced my funny face a little more as a kid?

I would still like to have a couple good pictures. I took one that I love. Funny thing is I love this glamour shot because it reminds me of all the emotions I had flowing through me at the time. I was traveling to Yosemite with a dear friend…happy, laughing, and excited...making fun of photographers who take serious pictures of themselves in the mirror with their camera. A joke...that’s why it turned out well. Maybe instead of practicing my poses, I’ll just keep focusing on putting myself in the right situations, in the right places, and with the right people.