On a lighter noter...

I read my last entry and realized I left it on such a gloom and doom note. There are a lot of positive things at home and being back on the dirt roads makes you slow down and enjoy the moment- something I struggle with in Portland where there are so many things to do and so many choices to make.

Here are a few other things I learned while at home:

· I drove my dad’s truck. It is an F350 extended cab, dually back monster with a stubborn 2^nd gear and big ol’ stick shifter (think big rig). I’m a pro.

· The radio stations in Guys Mills, PA consist of country, country, classic rock and country.

· There is nothing good on TV and a whole lot of the same crap on multiple channels.

· On a similar note people actually believe they can carve abs in bed. Seriously people…

· I played 8 games of pool in 2 days with a 65 year old man and only won once. I need to practice more billiards.

· Avatar was surprisingly good considering sci fi normally makes me cringe

· I miss my bikes.

· I actually enjoy bird watching. As long as the birds come to me. That happens when you bribe them with food and the rest of the ground is covered with a foot of snow.

· Miss Kitty also enjoys bird watching. Maybe a little too much.

· My dog Maverick will never ever EVER tire from playing with his red ball. He’s obsessed. BUT if he does tire from fetching it the game turns more into keep away and I’m the victim.

· My parents are extremely resourceful. I am so grateful for how many life skills they have taught me including more traditional ones involving craftsmanship and creative problem solving.

· I love my grandma. I love her so much. She is goofy and can make jokes about any awkward situation we seem to find ourselves in. I hope as I grow old I continue to find the humor in life.

· My parents are computer-challenged. Maybe my mom more than my dad, but it showed me where I get it from. They act like there are more important things in the world. Weird.

· I love my parents cooking. Another life skill I am grateful for. I love vegetables.

· Running in 15 degree weather (that’s without the wind chill and around 1pm for max sun) gets really old really fast. I have a whole new level of respect for northern winter runners. That’s dedication.

· Finding the proper base layer combination is hard when you are out of practice.

· I don’t miss the east coast. I specifically don’t miss the dry, brutal cold. I DO miss my family. A lot. I feel like I usually come for 5 days and it’s never long enough. Now I’ve been here for 30 and it still seems too short. Does that ever go away?

Returning home to the house you grew up in for a month can make you feel like a kid again real quick. It is an overnight transformation. I’m not sure if that is good or bad, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say good…87.6% of the time.

Stop the ride. I wanna get off.

I picked up the paper the other day and the front page had a huge article called “Save the Streak”. You see the Blue Streak is an old wooden roller coaster outside of town. I’m pretty sure it almost killed me several times as a kid, but there is a group of people in town trying to raise money to fix it up and keep it running. I’m not sure if this is historic preservation or refusing to let the past go.

I continued on through to paper and handed it over to my Grandma so she could read the obituaries (part of my new daily routine), but I couldn’t get this roller coaster out of my mind. My sister and I would go to Conneaut Lake Park just so we could ride this rickety mess over and over and over.

This whole past month has felt like a roller coaster ride. I wish I could say it was a good day then a bad day, but it has more rolls than that, more like a good minute and then a bad minute. I have no idea what is around the bend or what is going to happen after the steady clicking to the top stops and to be perfectly honest I am exhausted. I want OFF.

The highs have been very high, full of gratitude, love and laughs and the lows have been miserable, full of sharp pain and unbearable sadness. I really don’t want to get into detail, but I will say that I am starting to rethink the “live to 100” thing. It is such a romantic notion and the reality is it is the decline is far from graceful and it is often very lonely.

I would also like to say that life repeats itself…over and over and over. Sometimes I just wish I had the power to intervene and stop the cycle. I’m very torn between wanting to get home and move forward and fearful that I have not done enough here. There is just so much. I also feel bitter toward money and have not felt that way in quite a few years. I get so angry at the direct correlation between money and comfort or lack of money and stress. I am happy that not having money taught me how to be responsible and independent, but I am so bitter in this moment. I wish the universe would reward people for selfless acts, but that would require divine intervention and I believe people have more to do with their progress or decline than a higher being. And for the record, I am not saying that one exists or doesn’t exist- just that people make choices and consequences can be expected as a result.
I better get back to Portland and make my millions. If anyone has suggestions for how I can do that, I am all ears.