8.28.09 Joke's on me

I thought I was sly...getting a head start on said challenge. As fate would have it, while I was busy pecking away at the keyboard my subject disappeared. timing. I think one of my roommates may have knocked him down. Him and the product of his dilligent work. sabotage.

Instead I will share some old pictures. Spider webs included.

8.27.09 I accept your challenge

you just don’t know it yet.

I think a photo a day is an excellent way to get the creative juices flowing. I may not be comfortable as the subject of the photo, but I plan on being comfortable as the captor. I like this side of the lens.

I have already plotted my next subject…the spider on the porch. He doesn’t have time to practice his poses either, but he’s a natural. He doesn’t need practice.

Someday, I’ll tell you that you are in on this challenge too. For now I’ll just laugh at predictably sad attempt to light a spider web.

8.27.09 A kiddie pool

My client decided she was overheated and her solution was going to be relaxation. She planned on leaving the studio, going home to fill up the kiddie pool (originally purchased for her pug) then lie on her back with arms and legs flopped to the sides and a beer in one hand. In her own words,

“Deal with it neighbors. I’m relaxing.”

Girl-I like your style. May we all go find some peace and quiet. Neighbor approved or not.

8.26.09 My mom was a model

She is beautiful now and always will be. That beauty is unsurpassable and goes much deeper than the surface. I think that is why I love her pictures so much. I always have. I could look at them for hours as a kid and admire the way a camera was able to capture this soul that I love so deeply. She is striking. That is a conservative word for attractive in a fiery and unique kind of way. The pictures are “vintage” now. Funky and different. They have that cool Polaroid-style haze that coats all old photographs and it makes me wonder what developments will happen in the next 20 years. Will our pictures ever look that cool?

I never have been comfortable as the subject. Despite my appreciation for captured beauty, I do not have many photos of myself that I value in the same way. I am not lacking confidence in real life, I am just unaware. I do not know what my facial expressions look like. I have never sat in front of a mirror and practiced my perfect pout. I know I have one somewhere (after all I did get my mamas mouth), but I can’t make it appear upon command. One time I actually got in a fight with my poor boyfriend because he knows how to pose for pictures and I don’t. It makes me self-conscious, like I missed some very important step in adolescence, where you discover how to make yourself look cool in front of the camera. Now granted he poses a LOT, and I was feeling a little insecure that day and I may have been under the influence of alcohol…but that’s not the point. Should I have practiced my funny face a little more as a kid?

I would still like to have a couple good pictures. I took one that I love. Funny thing is I love this glamour shot because it reminds me of all the emotions I had flowing through me at the time. I was traveling to Yosemite with a dear friend…happy, laughing, and excited...making fun of photographers who take serious pictures of themselves in the mirror with their camera. A joke...that’s why it turned out well. Maybe instead of practicing my poses, I’ll just keep focusing on putting myself in the right situations, in the right places, and with the right people.

Have you lost weight? (an old journal entry)

Maybe. Why do you deserve to know?

It is a proven fact that I am “seasonally skinny”. I am sure that when the relentless Portland rains starts drizzling down, I will slowly pack on the 5 pounds I gain almost every winter. I try and try and try to find inspiration for some indoor high-intensity exercise, but I constantly fight my cravings for hearty, warm foods and without a doubt give in to baking. I blame my mom. Snow storms meant fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and other sweet smells sneaking out from the crack in the oven door. Florida did not provide snow but somehow a substitution took place: in my brain “snow” soon melted to the general category of “any bad weather”.

BUT have no fear…soon after I reach that 5 pounds, the spring time flowers resurface and so does my love of the outdoors (which, for the record, I also accredit to my mom). I get active, I get moving and I eat a lot of berries instead of cookies, cake and brownies...with the occasional exceptions, of course.

So now it is summer and I apparently look a little more slim and trim. I do not care. I do not weigh myself so I do not actually know if I have lost weight. Yet this question persists. Why?

But alas, I have found a trend! The people who feel it is necessary to comment about my physical appearance are themselves insecure. And that’s the problem. They do care.

My friends know better. They ask valid and important questions...

"How was your race?"

"How are the berries this year?"

"How are you?"

8.20.09 Dear Universe:

Upon reading my initial statement of purpose and goal declaration, I have decided that I inadvertently omitted some of my other goals in life. They may be random, but deserve acknowledgement too…

I will practice art. Media may vary, but I will practice. I will be equally comfortable with my brushes, my camera and my words and do my best to use them all for creative outlet.

I will learn to play the music. This probably involves the guitar. I will master the damn f chord.

I will learn a second language. Spanish preferably. This may tie in to the live international goal…to be continued…

I will be the passenger in a small plane doing tricks, I will bungee jump somewhere amazing, and I will jump off a water fall. I will seek adventure.

I will read more for fun. I love books. I love the feel, the smell, the words. I love getting lost in a story, desperate to hear the ending. I am not really sure why I don’t make them a priority. I need to.

I will learn to swing dance.

I will get on a mountain bike, I will surf sans wetsuit and step onto a volleyball court. These things may involve shoulder rehab, but I can do it. I will try again.

8.19.09 This is my blog. It’s a secret.

You see, I’m actually a blog hater. I like to write and I journal frequently, but not frequently enough, and therein lies the problem.

My journal is beautiful. Nothing ornate or extraordinary, just a simple notebook with a faux-suede cover and a small strap to keep my pen from escaping. I also pretend that strap makes it somehow safer from journal pirates invading my privacy despite the fact that it is secured only by velcro. It sits on the shelf and every now and again I feel inspired to pick it up and write. It looks natural. Like something that could have grown straight from this earth. And while I know it was actually manufactured in some god forsaken factory and several beautiful trees were probably slaughtered for my personal consumerism, I pretend it wasn’t. It’s pretty…and I love it.

I’m fairly certain my journal loves me back too. It doesn’t judge me. I can vent to my journal about anything without censoring my thoughts or questioning their validity. Once you write a blog, your thoughts are out there. Now other people can read them. I don’t want other people to read them. No offense, but they are mine and I don’t need comments. If I want feedback, I talk to other people. Face to face.

My journal does not pressure me. That is part of withholding judgment. It knows I am busy and unlike my computer that holds everything work and deadline related within its core, it is warm and inviting. My computer is black and cold and needs all these additional parts and plug-in pieces to be considered remotely average. It is ridiculed incessantly because it’s not a Mac and therefore sub-par. My poor computer. It does not produce calm when I look at it. How am I supposed to go to this unpleasant box and allow it to mediate my thoughts into the universe? Do I trust this box? Do I even know how to use this box? Besides, there is something perfect about allowing my emotions to spill onto a page using a pen…the simple way.

I like the simple life and when I want to get away, I don’t want technology following me around like a little kid. “look at me, look at me!” It’s too easy to get sucked in. It’s too easy to distort reality and get lost in what doesn’t matter. I don’t care what Paris Hilton did today…and NO I don’t want to see what she tweeted about. I already feel like I have too much technology in my life. I have 3 email accounts to check, not including my Facebook inbox. Facebook…the black hole of the internet. I even have a new fancy phone and now *gasp* I’m writing a blog. Hell has officially frozen over.

As of today, with a big sigh of defeat, I have decided to embrace technology. It does good things for me. It stores all my pictures and allows me to stay in touch with my loved ones who are far, far away. I can send music to my mom and smiles to my boyfriend while he’s at work. Sometimes, I even get them back…via email.

Here’s the biggest reason I want to start this blog: I need to communicate with the universe. I’m sure at some other point in history there was a more grand ritual for this...voodoo magic, dances, messages in bottles, maybe even prayers. I’m going to write a blog. It’s the modern thing to do and what can I say, I’m just hip. Really, really hip.

A girl I know just entered the Peace Corp and part of the paperwork is an aspiration statement. She posted it on her blog and while it was very inspirational, I admit that I stopped reading half way through. I decided I needed my own statement and was afraid that if I kept reading hers it may affect my own. I am going to declare my aspirations to the universe using the internet as my liaison. Here goes…

1. They say that if you want something, you need to send out positive energy. Think good thoughts. Create good vibes. I will live with enduring optimism for myself and those I love. May it be represented in my thoughts and actions every day.

2. I will see the world. I know I am only a small piece of the puzzle and I also know how much I learn through travel by experiencing a new place with open eyes and an open heart. I will live in a different country, even if it's a limited time offer.

3. I will determine my own success. I will not allow cultural influence to determine it for me. I may listen to some collective rules, and do my best to remain within the limits of the law, but I will be the judge of how I define the word. Then I will be successful.

4. I will find a better path. I feel so much pressure lately to have a plan. I don’t want a plan. I don’t want to predetermine my life. I just don’t know what I want to do. There I said it. I don’t know. But I’m open and I want to try some new things. A path allows diversion. I will find the best combination of all my interests and all my inspiration so I may be happy. Truly happy.

Whew. I feel better already. Now if you will excuse me, I have to make some things happen.

**Disclaimer: All aspirations are organic by nature and therefore reserve the right to morph and move as needed so that the owner of said aspirations may pursue personal success. Said owner also has no intention of replacing her beautiful journal. Even though this is a secret…some thoughts just aren’t meant to be shared. Not even with the universe.