Stop the ride. I wanna get off.

I picked up the paper the other day and the front page had a huge article called “Save the Streak”. You see the Blue Streak is an old wooden roller coaster outside of town. I’m pretty sure it almost killed me several times as a kid, but there is a group of people in town trying to raise money to fix it up and keep it running. I’m not sure if this is historic preservation or refusing to let the past go.

I continued on through to paper and handed it over to my Grandma so she could read the obituaries (part of my new daily routine), but I couldn’t get this roller coaster out of my mind. My sister and I would go to Conneaut Lake Park just so we could ride this rickety mess over and over and over.

This whole past month has felt like a roller coaster ride. I wish I could say it was a good day then a bad day, but it has more rolls than that, more like a good minute and then a bad minute. I have no idea what is around the bend or what is going to happen after the steady clicking to the top stops and to be perfectly honest I am exhausted. I want OFF.

The highs have been very high, full of gratitude, love and laughs and the lows have been miserable, full of sharp pain and unbearable sadness. I really don’t want to get into detail, but I will say that I am starting to rethink the “live to 100” thing. It is such a romantic notion and the reality is it is the decline is far from graceful and it is often very lonely.

I would also like to say that life repeats itself…over and over and over. Sometimes I just wish I had the power to intervene and stop the cycle. I’m very torn between wanting to get home and move forward and fearful that I have not done enough here. There is just so much. I also feel bitter toward money and have not felt that way in quite a few years. I get so angry at the direct correlation between money and comfort or lack of money and stress. I am happy that not having money taught me how to be responsible and independent, but I am so bitter in this moment. I wish the universe would reward people for selfless acts, but that would require divine intervention and I believe people have more to do with their progress or decline than a higher being. And for the record, I am not saying that one exists or doesn’t exist- just that people make choices and consequences can be expected as a result.
I better get back to Portland and make my millions. If anyone has suggestions for how I can do that, I am all ears.